Don't Invite Your Thoughts to Tea
definitely don't serve them cake
Hello readers!
I’m writing from the arctic temperatures of New Hampshire, where a record-setting temperature of -109 was set this past Friday. “It’s really an amazing day, an awe-inspiring day and actually a bit of a frightening moment,” said Mount Washington Observatory meteorologist Francis Tarasiewicz. Yes, these are fun times in the Northeast.
I’m in awe of Francis’s use of the word, “awe” as it’s not the first word that comes to my mind. Well, whatever the weather, I am incredibly grateful for a home and food and pipes that didn’t burst over the weekend.
My husband and I banter quite a bit in the cold. While I’m hunched over and shivering, he laughs, stands up straight and declares, “it’s all a state of mind.” This will likely only be endearing…a long time from now. He very rarely ever wears a winter hat and you’ll never find gloves in his coat pockets.
I do find this mindset both intriguing and appealing. After watching Limitless with Chris Hemsworth, I’m even more convinced of the power of our own minds to not just endure cold temps but to get past the mind trolls in our own heads.
(Limitless is an excellent 8-part series where Hemsworth attempts to conquer stress and discover the pillars of longevity while facing extreme physical adversity like scaling a Sydney skyscraper, swimming in the Arctic, and climbing up a 100-foot rope. It’s REALLY GOOD.)
I love the brain. I appreciate how it’s always trying to keep us safe. It’s why we will run from a cheetah rather than pet him. But it’s also why we won’t sing accapella in the talent show or send out the resume or even say hello to someone we want to say hello to - better to protect than be hurt.
But these danger! thoughts aren’t always true or helpful. Sometimes they’re just holding us back.
Don’t believe everything you think.
What to do with our own counterproductive thoughts?
An incredibly valuable phrase landed in my inbox last week from Oliver Burkeman’s terrific newsletter: DON’T INVITE YOUR THOUGHTS TO TEA
Oliver Burkeman was using a metaphor from Christian Dillo's book The Path of Aliveness, where not inviting our counterproductive, spiraling thoughts is one of the basic aspects of meditation.
"Thoughts don't tend to knock, they just show up in the house," Dillo writes. "The host's job is not to barricade the door but instead just not serve any tea."
Burkeman:
Maybe I can't exactly let go of my counterproductive thoughts – but I can resist the temptation to indulge them, metaphorically inviting them to sprawl on the sofa for hours at a time, with a nice hot drink and a generous slice of cake.
“Don’t invite your thoughts to tea” has become a mantra of late.
I used it on Saturday when my two choices to run came down to the treadmill or outside in -12 temps (not happening). I could have also skipped the run, but I am well aware that moving my body keeps many demons at bay, especially in winter.
The “dreadmill” and I have a contemptuous relationship. I’m the problem, it’s me 😉 (I mean, I even call it a bad name). I have a knee-jerk “first reaction” that is completely self-sabotaging before even starting.
So on Friday, when the negative thoughts flared at the very thought of the treadmill, I said: Amy, don’t invite your thoughts to tea.
You know what happened? THEY BACKED OFF. Not completely, but enough for me focus on moving forward: laying out my running clothes for the next day. Telling my family where I’d be in the morning. Setting the alarm. Getting up to eat banana and peanut butter. My mind was primed to do instead of battling with self (so much energy to battle self).
And what happened when I stepped onto the treadmill? Was it all magical?
No.
The counterproductive thought I hate the treadmill wandered in the door. I couldn’t exactly stop it (and sometimes the harder we try, the worse it gets). In fact it did get worse for awhile.
I’ve experienced this scenario so many times that I knew what was going to happen: my mind would FIGHT ME really hard for at least the first two miles.
Distraction helps. For mile one, my daughter chattered away. We discussed addictive tendencies 🙃 and when she got bored, I was left with myself.
The resistant thoughts came at me again. They are not exactly fully formed. They are more like feelings…this is too hard, we hate this, I’m tired, do my knees hurt? there’s no way I can get six miles on this thing. I felt them, but I said it again: YOU’RE NOT INVITED. NO TEA. NO CAKE.
Instead, I tried using fully-formed thoughts and another oft-repeated phrase: you’ve done this before, you can do it again. Over and over I said this. (It’s interesting to note that according to Dan Pink, it’s often more effective coaching to say YOU, rather than I when coaching self…)
Because I have fought with myself enough times on the treadmill, I had enough faith that the deliverance would come. Finally, it did. At exactly mile 2.3. After about twenty two minutes of struggle.
The negative mind trolls must have gotten bored with my lack of engagement because they wandered away as the more productive ones began to take over. Dopamine began to flood the system. There was sunlight hitting my face - serotonin! The combination was powerful.
Note: this doesn’t always happen. But it’s happened enough for me to keep trying.
I know this: You keep trying. It might take awhile, but deliverance will come.
Trust the body, trust the process, and don’t believe everything you think.
With the additional help of a Spotify playlist, I made it to mile 6. And then I ran one more mile just to show myself that I could do that, too.
When I got off that treadmill I was Wakanda forever. Do you know this feeling? This, my mother would say, is how confidence and self-esteem are truly built. Because by doing, we see that we are capable of doing hard things. That the unproductive thoughts ARE NOT THE BOSS of us.
Our capacities and situations will be different. If it’s not the treadmill it will be something else. But once you have just one experience like this, you can let yourself believe that you can conquer the next hard thing.
Maybe you want to try the mantra: Don’t invite your thoughts to tea (the negative ones, of course).
It’s in line with Burkeman’s assessment of Elizabeth Gilbert’s Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear. You might not be able to stop the negative, counter-productive thoughts from getting in the car with you, but you sure don’t have to let them in the driver’s seat!
Thank you brain, for trying to take care of us. But we got this.
Productive, helpful true thoughts get the tea. Cake, too.
The End.
What about you? Does this phrase resonate with you?
❤️ Amy
Book of the Week: Hour of the Witch by Chris Bohjalian
Good News and Story Links
Did You Know? The Brain-Gut Connection via Washington Post
ICYMI: pre-order The McNifficents via my local bookstore & get a story map painted by Yours Truly (if you ordered elsewhere, I’ll send the map!)
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FREE drop-in writing hours via zoom. Mic off, camera on. Write 2 hours. Saving me.Watch This: The Swimmers on Netflix. GREAT.
I recently heard something similar to this on The Happiness Lab - a great podcast. I totally resonante with the thoughts and tea phrase and will use it! Also, I struggle with the dreadmill too. 😀
Yes, your thoughts did resonate with me. I am currently having reservations about my diet and exercise program. I'm writing about trying to overcome temptation and a little about the development of self-control. Don't invite your thoughts to tea is wisdom that I need to learn. Thanks!